jarring yet nurturing lessons

The sage and her student were standing by a pool discussing longing and ambition.

"What do you want more than anything else?" the sage asked.

"To perfect my ability to love all of creation the way I love myself," the young man replied.

At that moment, the sage tackled the student and shoved his head beneath the water. Accustomed to letting his teacher shape the unpredictable contours of his education, he did not resist.

One minute went by. Then another. The student began to struggle and kick. His teacher was strong.

Finally she released her grip and the student surfaced, fighting for breath.

"What did you want more than anything else during these last few minutes?" the sage inquired.

"Nothing else was in my mind except the desire for air," gasped the student.

"Excellent," beamed the sage. "As soon as you are equally single-minded in your desire to perfect your ability to love all of creation the way you love yourself, you will achieve your goal."

what's with the violence, stace? you might be asking yourself. well, this 'sacred advertisement' summed up my experience in brazil thus far so aptly that i felt compelled to share it with you, my loyal audience, to save my breath and a bit of your time. however, i have some details to fill in, for your sake as well as my own. so i'll begin with the thesis statement: as per usual, life has knocked me on my ass. i made some plans, took some risks, let my idealism take over, and then had life stare me straight in the face and say, "no, seriously, WHAT are you doing?"

i have been drifting about (in case you haven't gleaned that from previous posts) and searching for ANSWERS, dammit! some days, i feel so happy to let it all melt on the horizon of sugary sand and breathtaking mountains, and just say 'YES!' to that ice-cold cerveja; but other days i quite literally burst into tears and can't even make out the words 'bom dia' to my neighbors. sometimes i can't believe how cool it is to have ended up in rio- meeting professional belgain soccer players and local rap artists and break-dancers and receiving invitations to batizado's at the fluminense football club banquet hall! and sometimes i get all thinky and neurotic and stressed that i'm not practicing yoga every day or going to capoeira, and i haven't taken a single dance class! they say the grass is always greener, but my problem is that i don't even know that i want grass! my varied interests lead me to believe that if i'm not accomplishing everything, NOW, PERFECTLY!!!, then a small (but very vocal) part of me believes that i have failed at life. gee, don't i sound like a barrel o' laughs?

sometimes all it takes is a bit of perspective. as in, no, x-y-z didn't happen, buy p-q-r DID, and those are really amazing and important letters! what good is it to come all the way to brazil and maintain exactly the life i had in the states? why leave? visiting somewhere and living somewhere are two different beasts. i can hear about a place from the comfort of my own home, which, for some, is fine. but i wanted to LIVE in brazil. which means laying in bed at night with firecrackers and gun shots outside my window, and being kept awake until 8am because of the baile funk, or holding the hand of a one and a half year-old in vila kennedy whose grandfather abandoned him at the shelter. transplanting oneself is really difficult and if i leave here with nothing more than a firm grip on reality and on what i want to make of myself (see below for the answer), then, you know what? that's actually what i came here to do! and now i know who to talk to, what it will take to live here and how much i need to make it happen. hell, i know that i WANT to live here!

because i came to brazil, i have learned things that can never be taken away from me. i am part of the social dialogue i so desperately want to engage in. i can speak to issues that interest me rather than just 'knowing' they are important. i know why i believe that educating women is the most important thing we can do for society, and that protecting the rights of children is right there on it's heels. creating a life in line with one's heart is incredibly powerful and it takes TIME. god, it's so annoying when you learn a life lesson and remember the inane and obvious adage you learned in third grade that already explained it all for you...

but beyond the over-arching "life-lesson" i am integrating into my being, i'm saying out loud to the universe that what i want more than anything is to dance professionally. i love afro-brazilian dance and music and i am passionate about creative, group movement. i am dedicated to my physical health and accomplishing specific physical goals as i work towards this career path. so it may shift the direction of my plans temporarily...and it may not, for that matter. but what i've learned is that life requires focus, and even though there are lots of causes and adventures and boys out there (let's be honest...), a little bit of light and satisfaction will always be diminished in me if i don't follow this aching desire i feel inside.

and that's all, folks. that's all you get from me for now, because i'm still processing and integrating this new mentality into my being (for good), while remembering the words of a wise, wise person: "do it now, do it now, do it now!" thanks, chip. and thank you, loyal readers, for being there with your words of encouragement. and don't forget to leave a comment about your own ideas regarding 'longing' and 'ambition'...just for fun...

tchau for now.....and axe!

the bible

when my yoga teacher said today, "i am going to share a reading...from the bible," hesitating just long enough for me to understand that the word also causes her to raise a dubious eyebrow, i flinched; more out of habit than anything. don't get me wrong, i was raised catholic- i went to catholic school for twelve years, i've completed almost all my sacraments (wedding vows and last rites indefinitely pending). but catholics aren't really bible-y. you know, we all have one somewhere, but it's not something we refer to regularly, or quote with preachy self-satisfaction. i'm actually pretty into catholics because of how crazy they are- it's a religion of symbols and mysticism. and thievery and deception, but i digress. i'm a catholic. i don't read the bible. end of story. i flinched. and then she read on:
"seek, and ye shall find. ask, and it shall be given. knock, and the door will be opened to you."
hmph. good one. it's kind of relevant to my life right now. stupid bible.....

and thus began the yoga. it's a class i take regularly, a virtually un-changing sequence of postures tucked neatly into 60mins, and it's the closest thing to prayer/mass i do on a regular basis. yoga is the closest thing to "talking to god" i've found, if i may be so bold. it just so happens that today i felt the proverbial walls closing in on my life so tight that i thought my skeleton might pop as i rolled over into child's pose. you see, i've allowed myself to ride a wave of fantasy towards a goal so vague and clothed in celestial light that answering any practical questions about it is not just impossible, it's painful.
when are you leaving? oh (note of surprise), i don't know.
where are you staying? ha, umm (cheeks turn red), i don't exactly know.
what are you gonna do? well, i (stomach hollowing out)....i'm waiting (heart palpitations)....to (FUUUUCK!)....yeah, i don't know.

what's the goal, you ask? well, it started off simply; i want to move to brazil, dance every day, play capoeira, learn portuguese, join dance brazil, fall in love, and make babies. on the beach. in that order. with no particular timeline. but DEFINITELY in that order. now, the order hasn't changed, but my good catholic upbringing causes fear to clench my throat and all major organs whenever there is the slightest risk of failure and/or unabashed, ecstactic happiness. (fellow catholics, don't argue with me. i'm not saying catholicism encourages misery, but- well, kind of.)

i am facing the cold reality of unemployment- which i signed up for, i realize- in approximately four weeks, and already i'm recognizing my inability to adjust (read: to budget.) i took a pay cut about two months ago and it's been a little rocky...
but really, what am i talking about? i'm talking about fear. there, i said it. fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of the probability of broke-ness. FEAR of never being free to do what i love and live a life in line with my dreams. i only have one example in my life of someone who took a flying leap into the grand canyon and lived to tell the tale. and the fall was messy. he landed! and that's what matters. he made something pretty awesome of himself. but it took him down to the depths.

as i lay in bed last night thinking about all the things that might take me to where i ultimately want to be, i had many visions of myself in said depths. "this just might break me," i thought.
there's some clever saying about just that kind of situation, isn't there?

after the bible thing, the answer came to me almost instantly- what are you seeking? guidance. i'm seeking some glimmer of hope. no- strike that- i got plenty a' hope. what i seek is assurance.
and you know what??? 'at ain't gonna happen!
there are no guarantees, there are only opportunities. that's not mine, i stole that...
i have an opportunity here to take some really sage advice and, "fuck it." i know what i could rationalize and choose out of my mystical catholic, symbolic fear, but i choose to dive off that cliff. i don't KNOW if i can do it. i don't KNOW. I DON'T KNOW!!!
and that turns me on.

and after sweating for an hour and stretching against that vice-grip of yucky lameness, i sat inside myself and just let it out. i sat on my mat and cried. yes, tears. and i prayed, and gave thanks, for everything that i have ever been given and for everything that awaits. i didn't consciously talk to "god" during my practice- i wasn't "knocking on heaven's door." but yoga is magic like that- it puts you up against ridiculous odds, or physical states of being, and there you find something divine. there's a spark inside people, and everybody has a different name for it. some would call it "god", but if you want to call it elmo, call it fucking elmo! my spark is bootylicious and she really wants to go to brazil. take that. preach!
read the bible. or do yoga.
do something that turns you on and lights your fire.
and call me in the morning and tell me all about it.