Sunday, August 30, 2009

for serious

this may be the least flippant thing i've ever written in my life. an opportunity to do what i think i am best in the world at; witness and cultivate people's stories and passions. i have found myself in a position to create safe space for personal expression. perhaps because that is what i crave most. and now, my dreams, my passions, and my BHAG are all coming together at once! i am going to Brazil to work with an organization whose mission is to, "empower [Brazil's youth] as they explore, discover, rewrite and appropriate their own image and history through audiovisual works," and to "broaden the cultural universe and contribute to the development of critical thinking of children, adolescents and young people belonging to disadvantaged groups through the use of audiovisual language."
i have so many reasons to go to brazil, and this organization came into my awareness so fluidly and inspired something in me i feared was no longer viable. in order to connect to another person, we have to be real. in order to grow, we have to let go. and in order to change, we have to be willing to say, "fuck it."
as i step forward towards my goal of living in brazil, and my BHAG of being a company member of dance brazil, i am getting more and more clear on my MISSION in life, which is to inspire others. i find the most satisfaction and excitement when witnessing inspiration in others. and i realize my life has been blessed. i don't want to come from a place of "having so much, and so i feel i must give back," but i also recognize my privilege. i BELIEVE everyone should do what they love. and no one should be forced into a lifestyle due to circumstance or lack of education. so much corruption in our world comes from ignorance, and open communication is the only way to eradicate it.
artistic expression is, in my opinion, the freest form of communication- free from self-consciousness, free from agenda and begging discussion!
at cinema nosso, "[the] goal is that...our students will have the skills to express their own ideas with strength and clarity."
i get to be a part of something i find completely inspiring and believe in wholeheartedly.
now to the practical part (barf.) i have a certain amount of savings. depleted partially just by purchasing a ticket to brazil. so i'm selling my car.
i'm selling my mattress.
i'm selling my bookshelf.
oh, and the chair i bought at pier one.
and the table i was given...
and lots of clothing.
this shedding of 'stuff' only makes me realize that what i really want in life has so little to do with material things. i'm not saying i don't dream of having a house; on the beach. with a wicked awesome couch. and great tile in the sunken bathtub that overlooks the ocean. but i'm just fine on very little. as long as there are people, i'm fine.
so look out brazil. i'm finally on my way.

Monday, August 3, 2009

the bible

when my yoga teacher said today, "i am going to share a reading...from the bible," hesitating just long enough for me to understand that the word also causes her to raise a dubious eyebrow, i flinched; more out of habit than anything. don't get me wrong, i was raised catholic- i went to catholic school for twelve years, i've completed almost all my sacraments (wedding vows and last rites indefinitely pending). but catholics aren't really bible-y. you know, we all have one somewhere, but it's not something we refer to regularly, or quote with preachy self-satisfaction. i'm actually pretty into catholics because of how crazy they are- it's a religion of symbols and mysticism. and thievery and deception, but i digress. i'm a catholic. i don't read the bible. end of story. i flinched. and then she read on:
"seek, and ye shall find. ask, and it shall be given. knock, and the door will be opened to you."
hmph. good one. it's kind of relevant to my life right now. stupid bible.....

and thus began the yoga. it's a class i take regularly, a virtually un-changing sequence of postures tucked neatly into 60mins, and it's the closest thing to prayer/mass i do on a regular basis. yoga is the closest thing to "talking to god" i've found, if i may be so bold. it just so happens that today i felt the proverbial walls closing in on my life so tight that i thought my skeleton might pop as i rolled over into child's pose. you see, i've allowed myself to ride a wave of fantasy towards a goal so vague and clothed in celestial light that answering any practical questions about it is not just impossible, it's painful.
when are you leaving? oh (note of surprise), i don't know.
where are you staying? ha, umm (cheeks turn red), i don't exactly know.
what are you gonna do? well, i (stomach hollowing out)....i'm waiting (heart palpitations) (FUUUUCK!)....yeah, i don't know.

what's the goal, you ask? well, it started off simply; i want to move to brazil, dance every day, play capoeira, learn portuguese, join dance brazil, fall in love, and make babies. on the beach. in that order. with no particular timeline. but DEFINITELY in that order. now, the order hasn't changed, but my good catholic upbringing causes fear to clench my throat and all major organs whenever there is the slightest risk of failure and/or unabashed, ecstactic happiness. (fellow catholics, don't argue with me. i'm not saying catholicism encourages misery, but- well, kind of.)

i am facing the cold reality of unemployment- which i signed up for, i realize- in approximately four weeks, and already i'm recognizing my inability to adjust (read: to budget.) i took a pay cut about two months ago and it's been a little rocky...
but really, what am i talking about? i'm talking about fear. there, i said it. fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of the probability of broke-ness. FEAR of never being free to do what i love and live a life in line with my dreams. i only have one example in my life of someone who took a flying leap into the grand canyon and lived to tell the tale. and the fall was messy. he landed! and that's what matters. he made something pretty awesome of himself. but it took him down to the depths.

as i lay in bed last night thinking about all the things that might take me to where i ultimately want to be, i had many visions of myself in said depths. "this just might break me," i thought.
there's some clever saying about just that kind of situation, isn't there?

after the bible thing, the answer came to me almost instantly- what are you seeking? guidance. i'm seeking some glimmer of hope. no- strike that- i got plenty a' hope. what i seek is assurance.
and you know what??? 'at ain't gonna happen!
there are no guarantees, there are only opportunities. that's not mine, i stole that...
i have an opportunity here to take some really sage advice and, "fuck it." i know what i could rationalize and choose out of my mystical catholic, symbolic fear, but i choose to dive off that cliff. i don't KNOW if i can do it. i don't KNOW. I DON'T KNOW!!!
and that turns me on.

and after sweating for an hour and stretching against that vice-grip of yucky lameness, i sat inside myself and just let it out. i sat on my mat and cried. yes, tears. and i prayed, and gave thanks, for everything that i have ever been given and for everything that awaits. i didn't consciously talk to "god" during my practice- i wasn't "knocking on heaven's door." but yoga is magic like that- it puts you up against ridiculous odds, or physical states of being, and there you find something divine. there's a spark inside people, and everybody has a different name for it. some would call it "god", but if you want to call it elmo, call it fucking elmo! my spark is bootylicious and she really wants to go to brazil. take that. preach!
read the bible. or do yoga.
do something that turns you on and lights your fire.
and call me in the morning and tell me all about it.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

welcome to it

if you're looking for life-changing literature expressing the why's of existence and exploring the deeper layers beneath our physical bodies and superficial material fixations, you may have found what you're looking for. if you're looking for a smart, witty commentary on all things from physical fitness to auto-mechanics, maybe not. it just depends on your outlook, i suppose.

i can't say what you'll get out of this blog, except a new take on things; my take on things, rather. the goal here is to keep you informed of what's cool* in the world- people, places, things, food, words, moments, shin-digs, etc. and also to provide a little joyous diversion.

i do hope you'll read on and enjoy what you find here. and re-visit this little blog of mine from time to time.

*priority given to the flip and lewd...these are two cool words you should remember.